I am amazed at the prevalence of the common wisdom that is virtually universally accepted that once the thrill is gone only to be replaced by boredom, once the sense of burning love is gone to be replaced by a sense of obligation, then the joy in a relationship has died forever and cannot possibly be restored.

And the logical conclusion that follows this belief is that marriage is a trap made based on an unrealistic hope that love will last and grow.One of the major problems with this theory, which has been held by the cynical for eons, is that it casts human beings as helpless victims of fate, happenstance, or cosmic emotional accidents that destine us to just sitting around and hoping against hope that the love of our life, soul-mate, happens along

and that our love somehow lasts long enough for us not to be cast back out again upon our isolated emotional island powerlessly waiting for a more true soul-mate to happen by and rescue us.

No wonder so much cynicism exists.

Of course, what this cynicism legitimizes is the decision to make no lasting commitment to a sole person, but rather to go through a series of hot-then-cold sexual/romantic relationships as one journeys through life. I believe this liberation from commitment in sexual relationships was actually the intent of many in the 60’s and 70’s who fomented the sexual revolution and its claim that monogamy is not a realistic option for most human beings and that alternatives to the traditional family units of man, wife, and children are better suited to reality and to man’s polygamous nature. But that is a story for another time.

 

 

 

Reality is that you do have control over the persistence of romantic love in your marriage, and you as a couple can cause that sense of love to grow rather than to diminish over time.

No, you can’t make yourself or your mate feel “love” again just by wishing it or wanting it; and, no, you can’t directly control it.The key is to understand that, as with all emotions, love is not directly controlled, but is a by-product of other things.

Thus, how you can control, increase, or renew this feeling is by controlling those other things that result in that exciting, romantic, sensual feeling. And what are those things?The feeling of romantic love results from “bonds”.

What are bonds? Bonds are the myriad of things that make it beneficial or pleasurable for two people to be together. They are an extremely diverse myriad of things; e.g., being proud to be seen with the other person because of how he or she acts, to have interests and activities that you enjoy in common, to have common values and shared goals for the future, to be able to communicate and be understood by one another, to have similar senses of humor, to have complementary styles of behavior, to have personality styles that are mutually enjoyable, to feel valued and admired by one another, ad infinitum.If both of you are willing to do a bond evaluation, and then to work at rebuilding frayed and worn bonds, and to build new bonds, your love can be revived and grow.

I have had couples repeatedly come to consult with me as a last ditch effort before getting a divorce. And both the husband and wife would declare that their love had been destroyed, and they saw no possibility of it being recuperated. And in each instance, I would ask them, “Yes, but even if you can’t see it occurring under any circumstance, do you care enough about marriage and the vows you made to try?” because this is the primary issue.

Of course, many at this point were not willing to try. Even though they may have said that they were willing, all they really wanted was to make their mate try, but they were not willing themselves to try.

 

However, I have repeatedly seen two people, as skeptical as they were, begin to try to do a bond inventory and to work to build up bonds in areas in which their relationship was week, only to discover in a matter of months that they were intensely in love with one another once again.

One couple even began to get angry at me when I tried to point out areas that each one of them still had work to do, declaring their anger at me for “attacking” their mate whom they a few months earlier had been desperate to divorce.This takes work. And it works!

Think of how much work you did to win the love of your mate. You sacrificed time for them, changed schedules for them, complemented and praised them, eagerly listened to them and told them about your hopes, dreams, and plans, spent time hunting for gifts that would please them and taking them places you wanted to share with them, etc. And none of this felt like a sacrifice. You chose to do it, you wanted to do it, even when it was inconvenient or when you were tired.

When is the last time you told your mate how and why you appreciate or value him/her? When is the last time you told your mate how you love them more than any other man/woman. When is the last time you spent an entire evening just talking with your wife about your innermost dreams, your goals, and your future together.

When is the last time that you made it clear to your wife that you love him or her deeply? When is the last time you told your husband how much and why you respect him as the best man and husband in the world and for the skills that he possesses? How often are the two of you sharing an evening or day alone together doing some activity that you mutually enjoy? How often are you laughing together, telling each other jokes, playfully teasing one another? Well, obviously, I could go on and on.

 

The question is, “Have you continued to do these things that build closeness, togetherness, a sense of being bound together in this struggle called life?”

Most of you will have to say, “No!” No wonder the sense of love is not as strong.Start changing things this week! I promise–this can and will work if you both are willing to honestly try.

Start by doing a bond inventory together and individually. Identify the bonds that have atrophied through disuse, and identify the bonds that have never been grown. And come up with a plan together and individually to rebuild the bonds. Work on those things, and wait. Don’t try to make yourself feel love. Just build bonds and see what happens. Don’t try to make the feelings be there. Just nourish your heart with the nourishment, hydration, and sunlight of bonds, and the flower of love will bloom and grow.

Related Questions For Future entries:

What should a bond inventory include?

Are some kinds of bonds more important than others?

If such things as bonds exist, are there such things as anti-bonds that destroy the feeling of love?

What to do when your mate refuses to help rebuild and invigorate bonds?

What about love-at-first-sight and infatuation? How do you explain these phenomenon at times before any bonds could have been built?

don–7/17/08